Requiem for a Dream

One of my dreams died last night. It was a slow, painful death...the kind you wouldn't wish on anyone or anything. In reality, the dream had been dying for the last few months, although I was trying so very hard to keep it alive. There were moments of light over the last few months when it seemed the dream would survive and maybe even thrive. But most of the time it languished, pale and pinched, trying to stay alive but knowing the end was near. I wasn't willing to let it go. I prolonged its suffering. I prolonged my own suffering.

I have learned that some dreams require more than just my own sheer will in order to survive. I am a strong-willed person...but that isn't enough for some dreams. And the will of just one person isn't enough for some dreams...some dreams need more than one person feeding and nourishing them. Some dreams involve more than we are able to give, or more than we are willing to give. Sometimes hope isn't enough to keep a dream alive. Sometimes faith isn't enough. Some dreams are meant to be just that -- dreams...hazy and distant...beautiful enough to keep us reaching but ever elusive, dancing tantalizingly close and then dashing back out of reach, almost daring us to continue to hope and reach.

I have learned that some dreams come from a place within us that we thought had been locked tight a long time ago, with the key thrown away...a place we had almost forgotten even existed. Like Houdini, these dreams magically escape the shackles and locks that have held them bound for so long. They reappear with a ferocity and intensity that catches us off guard. Other dreams have been there all along, quietly tending to themselves until the time was right for them to gently surface.

This was one of the Houdini-type dreams. One I had locked away years ago that suddenly burst forth a couple of years ago and took me by complete surprise. Unfortunately, this one was not meant to be. I wonder why this happened...why Heavenly Father would ask me to go through this...lead me down the path towards something I wanted so much, showing me how it really could be achieved, only to tell me in the end that it was not meant to be. One of my friends suggested that the reason for this journey was so I could share my discoveries and things I learned with others to help them. Indeed, that has happened. Through the research and work I did in trying to achieve my dream, I was able to help someone else achieve the exact same dream. I am happy for her.

But my heart aches for me. Today, I grieve for what never was really meant to be.