I've Done a Very, Very Bad Thing....

I introduced A to the joys of retail therapy. Bad, bad, bad Mommy! Retail therapy has caused me more problems over the years than I care to think about. I am trying very hard to break this particular habit. But there is something about buying a little something new...even just a new tube of lipstick or a new makeup brush...that lifts my spirits more than anything but chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

The Science Fair judging did not go as well as A had hoped, and as well as we thought it would go. She's very used to being #1 at everything she does. She worked SO hard on her project and did it all herself (other than being reminded a few times to water the plants and get to work on the project). Her display board and notebook were organized and looked great...her data was collected and analyzed and displayed...everything was well-written and I know she did well in her interview. Her teacher was convinced she was going to get a first-place ribbon, and told A that. A and I were, of course, also convinced she would get a first place ribbon.

She got a second place ribbon. She was SO upset, as were her science teacher and I. What really frustrated A more than anything is that two kids in her school who got first-place ribbons falsified their data because they didn't do some or all of their experiments, and several kids had parents who did the project for them. (We don't do that in our family!) Another girl got first place for a project that was A's original idea (after A decided on the project she ended up doing, this other girl asked A if she could have A's first idea, and A said yes). The project didn't require much effort at all. But it got a first-place ribbon. A was upset that she didn't get a first place award and get to go to State, but she was really, really upset that kids who "broke the rules" and some who did really easy experiments got awards and recognition. And for a really competitive person, it is terribly hard to watch someone cheat and then win, or someone put in less effort and win. *Sigh*

I tried saying everything I could think of to be encouraging and supportive. So did her science teacher (who is an absolute doll and we love her to death and she told me she is hoping this experience doesn't turn Alyssa off to science and that she wants to help her do an absolutely incredible, amazing project next year with working in a local university science lab with expensive equipment and everything). Nothing helped A feel better. I offered glazed doughnuts with sprinkles, ice cream, etc. We went and watched her baby cousin, N, get his first haircut (so adorable!). This was one of those disappointments that was not going to go away easily. Not after so many, many weeks of hard work.

And then I decided to indulge her, just a tiny bit, in my favorite form of self-soothing. Retail therapy.

Bad, bad, bad Mommy. I surprised her on the way home with a quick trip to one of her favorite stores and bought her two shirts. In my defense, both were on an absolutely amazing clearance sale...but still...not a good habit to introduce a preteen girl to!

And after the retail therapy, we got milkshakes. Because a little chocolate, ice cream, and whipped cream is almost as good as retail therapy.

It is a hard lesson to learn...that disappointment will come and we can't always come in first place, no matter how hard we try and how much we want it. It's something I struggle with all the time. How I wish I could promise my girls that they will never experience disappointment. Oh, how I wish. But how you handle disappointment...how you pick yourself up and again, trying even harder the next time...how you move on to the next challenge with a smile on your face...that is what matters. Just keep moving forward, A. And know that Mama and Daddy love you and are very proud of you.

Who Said Weekends are Supposed to be Relaxing?

Busy, busy, busy. That's the story of my life.

I've worked late several nights this week, and that will continue for the next few months. I'm working this weekend...and that will also continue for the next few months. Such fun for me!

Our weekend in a nutshell, starting this afternoon:

Me -- physical therapy from 4:00 to 5:30, then home to feed the kids, then grocery shopping (my Mom is going to do a freezer cooking session for us tomorrow -- yea Mom! I just have to provide the groceries and cook and shred 15 pounds of chicken tonight), sign B up for soccer
DH -- basketball game...home around midnight
B -- sleepover with a friend
A -- hanging out with Mama (she has a bad cold)

Saturday:
A and me -- science fair at the Museum of Aviation (send some positive vibes her way, please -- she really wants to go to State!)
M -- basketball game in the morning...home around 1:00
Me -- go to work after science fair, prepare a YW lesson sometime tomorrow night, finish shopping, do laundry, clean the house....yeah, like all of that is going to happen!

Sunday:
All -- church, then choir after church for me, then make dessert for Sunday dinner, then Sunday dinner with my family

I really should work on Sunday but I have a personal policy about that. I do not work Sundays unless it is absolutely, absolutely, absolutely necessary. I am hoping it doesn't become absolutely necessary this weekend. I have no doubt that over the next few months there will be a few Sundays I have to work. *Sigh*

So busy. I really need some down time!

Thoughts on Beauty

We watched the Miss America pageant last night. We know Miss Georgia from church (and she went to high school with my sister). We thought she should have won. At any rate...

During the introductions, B commented that only one girl in the pageant had red hair and "she's ugly." B has red hair. It has been a sore spot with her lately. Even though she's only in 2nd grade, "fitting in" is incredibly important to her and, according to her, she is the only child in the entire 2nd grade with red hair. And green eyes. Double whammy, in her book. She thinks it's horrible and she wants to be a blue-eyed blonde. Or anything else but a green-eyed redhead. Never mind the fact that we think she's gorgeous, and we get comments all the time when we're out about how pretty she is. She thinks she is ugly and it's getting to the point where she's worrying about it a lot more than a 2nd grader should worry about her looks. She has also commented on her weight. She's SO thin...definitely doesn't need to lose weight...but she has made comments in the past few months about not being thin enough. Have I mentioned that she's only in 2nd grade??

DH and I have tried really hard to help our girls understand that inner beauty is so much more important than external looks. That beauty is SO subjective, and God created them in His image and that alone makes them beautiful. We have tried hard not to fixate on how they look. I fear, however, that I have passed along my insecurities and eating/body image issues to them. I worry so much -- too much -- about how I look. I've spent most of my life thinking I wasn't pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough, smart enough...that I wasn't anything "enough." I've gotten over some of that, but I'm still very self-conscious about how I look. The girls hear me commenting on my appearance and I think it's rubbed off on them.

What is beauty, anyway? What one person finds attractive may be a total turn-off to someone else. And vice versa. In some Polynesian cultures, large overweight women are thought to be beautiful. In some cultures, the curvier a woman is, the more beautiful she is thought to be. In our culture, we are fixated on tall and thin. What causes these differences? What causes a person to be attracted to certain features over others? And why does it matter so much to us? Why are we so hard on ourselves and our own appearances? Do we realize what we're doing to our daughters?

I realize it now...what I've done to my girls...more than I ever have before. If I want them to accept themselves and have good self-esteem, I need to do the same for myself. If I want my girls to stop having negative thoughts about their bodies and their appearance, I need to stop voicing those thoughts about myself.

It really is a vicious cycle...one I was hoping to break with my girls...apparently I haven't been successful.

Random Thoughts for a Sunday Afternoon

A few random thoughts....

1. I can't stand the 9 a.m. church schedule. Especially when I'm not feeling well and haven't had enough sleep and I'm tired and worn out. Oh, how I miss the 1 p.m. schedule!

2. Some dreams are achieved, to much celebration and rejoicing. Some dreams get replaced by other dreams as life and priorities change. There are dreams that lie dormant, poking out when they think it's safe to come out and face the world. But some dreams die...some quickly and quietly...others quickly and with much suffering. And others get slowly suffocated until they just can't be revived. Some of my dreams really need to have a DNR order...it's just too painful to accept the fact that it's time to "pull the plug," so to speak.

3. I want so badly to go back to school. I have got to find a way to make it work.

4. I'm hoping to try a new recipe for roasting a whole chicken tomorrow. I've never tried this before. Could be interesting!

5. A is giving B a piano lesson right now. A has been giving her lessons for several weeks. It was DH's idea. I'm still not sold on the idea but up until now it's gone fairly well. Today, not so much. I think I just need to bite the bullet and sign B up for piano lessons with A's teacher. I'm not excited about how much that's going to cost. The piano teacher is getting rich off of us! LOL

6. I have to teach the YW lesson next Sunday. Yikes!! It's on the divine role of women (I think that's the topic). Again, could be interesting. Particularly since I don't fit the stereotypical image of a Mormon wife and mother.

7. One of my dear friends moved back from out of state a couple of weeks ago. I'm so glad she's back! I saw her today for just a minute and it was wonderful. I have missed her. I need to make more time to connect with my friends.

8. Something interested I picked up on in church today: it's easy to do what we ought to do when it is also what we want to do. The challenge comes when what we ought to do is not what we want to do. How true that is in my life!

9. Tomorrow things start to get really, really crazy at work. There will be some long days and weekends...I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to last for at least 3 months, and probably a few months longer than that. There have already been complaints and rumblings about how much we have to get done in the next few months. And I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to things like this at work. We just have to do whatever it takes to get this project done right. I hope I can get through it with my teams not hating me!

10. Each of my siblings inspires me in a different way. All of them are amazing, and I don't think any of them realize just how amazing they are. Especially my brother. I need to tell him that.