An Update

I won't even apologize for not blogging. I have good intentions but they just don't come to pass. I'll just say that I'm feeling rather pensive this morning and thought that, perhaps, physically spilling the contents of my jumbled brain out into words might help.

My sister Melissa and her family moved away yesterday. They will now be living about 2 hours away. I know that really isn't that far, technically, but with our busy schedules I don't know that we'll see each other much. Next to Mark, Melissa is one of my closest friends. I love all three of my sisters, but for some reason Melissa and I seem to share a special bond...much like the bond I see between Andrea and Erin. Maybe it's that we have more in common...infertility, being Moms who work outside the home...maybe it's all of those summers that she spent living with us in Alaska, when we really developed a close friendship...I don't know what it is. But it's there. I was so thrilled when she and her family moved down here last summer, and I'm so sad that they're gone now.

This comes on the heals of another dear friend moving away almost seven months ago...Jenee, you know who you are! I have an easy time making "acquaintances" but a harder time making close, deep friendships. I only have a few, really, outside my family...Gena, Denise, TJ, Jamie, and Jenee. So having Jenee leave was very, very hard. I am so thrilled that she and her family are happy and enjoying life where they are, but I selfishly admit to missing her terribly. Reading books just isn't the same without her to talk with...and I miss the calm, steadying presence she is in my life, not to mention the wonderful, beautiful example that she set for me. I miss movie nights, dark chocolate, cuddling her precious little girl and just loving all four of her sweet kids, talking about books, having her help me figure out my new cell phone... And we won't even get into her being, really, a second Mom and friend (in the true, grown-up sense of the word -- a true friend) to Brienna, and how much Brie and I both miss that.

So two of my dearest friends have now moved away and left me, and right now I'm feeling rather abandoned. Alyssa is off at Governor's Honors Program, and so one of my children has also left me (although only temporarily). This is preparing me for when she leaves for college next year, I suppose. I've decided I don't want her to go away to college. I don't think I can handle it! LOL

But she's having a great time and learning wonderful things and being exposed to all kinds of fun -- like salsa dancing! She actually tried salsa dancing! And she discovered that she really enjoys computer programming -- who would have thought?! So it's an amazing, good experience for her.

Another loss in the last few months...I was released as YW President in our ward. That has been absolutely devastating. Not only did I lose the twice weekly (and sometimes more often) companionship of my precious young women, but also the sisters who served with me, and a huge chunk of my heart. It really has felt like I lost part of my identity...of who I was. It's been two months and I still feel it deeply every Sunday and Tuesday. It still feels incredibly wrong.

And one of the biggest losses of the last few months...my Granddad passed away in March. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Whether it's looking at Alyssa and seeing her blue eyes which remind me SO much of his...or seeing the airplanes fly overhead at work or driving by the air museum...or seeing my Dad, who reminds me so much of Granddad...or talking to Grandma Gaye...or driving by the house on the corner they used to live in and seeing the flowers and trees he and Gaye planted and the bricks they laid around the flowerbeds...

So for me, the last several months have been characterized by loss. It hasn't been fun or easy. As I posted on Facebook the other day -- I just can't take one more person leaving me. I can't do it.

I had surgery a month ago today and the "3 to 5 day recovery" took closer to 3 weeks, with continuing residual discomfort at times. And it seems that the surgery didn't solve the underlying problem, so it feels like it was a huge waste of time, money, and pain.

I think sometimes the Lord strips us down and takes away and takes away and takes away and takes away, so that He can build us back up into something better. I hope that's what's happening. I don't feel it yet, but I hope that's what's in store. Because right now it just feels like there has been a lot of taking.

That isn't to say that there haven't been wonderful things in the last several months, because there have. I got to go to Time Out For Women in Nashville with my Mom and two of my sisters...both girls continue to do well in school and sports...I got to go to New York City with my Mom and all three of my sisters and we had SO much fun...my entire family got to be together for a few days and we went to the beach (even though my brother was only there for one day)...our precious niece Aliscea's adoption was finalized and she was sealed to Bryan and Melissa last weekend...they found out that they're going to get Aliscea's younger sister, hopefully this month, and so we're getting a new niece...two of our nephews are serving missions right now and are doing well...we got to participate in the events surrounding the rededication of the Atlanta Temple and that was wonderful.

But there are times when the losses lately seem to outweigh the gains and I wonder just how much taking away and tearing down Heavenly Father intends to do before I start to see the fruits of the rebuilding effort. Faith.....