An Update

I won't even apologize for not blogging. I have good intentions but they just don't come to pass. I'll just say that I'm feeling rather pensive this morning and thought that, perhaps, physically spilling the contents of my jumbled brain out into words might help.

My sister Melissa and her family moved away yesterday. They will now be living about 2 hours away. I know that really isn't that far, technically, but with our busy schedules I don't know that we'll see each other much. Next to Mark, Melissa is one of my closest friends. I love all three of my sisters, but for some reason Melissa and I seem to share a special bond...much like the bond I see between Andrea and Erin. Maybe it's that we have more in common...infertility, being Moms who work outside the home...maybe it's all of those summers that she spent living with us in Alaska, when we really developed a close friendship...I don't know what it is. But it's there. I was so thrilled when she and her family moved down here last summer, and I'm so sad that they're gone now.

This comes on the heals of another dear friend moving away almost seven months ago...Jenee, you know who you are! I have an easy time making "acquaintances" but a harder time making close, deep friendships. I only have a few, really, outside my family...Gena, Denise, TJ, Jamie, and Jenee. So having Jenee leave was very, very hard. I am so thrilled that she and her family are happy and enjoying life where they are, but I selfishly admit to missing her terribly. Reading books just isn't the same without her to talk with...and I miss the calm, steadying presence she is in my life, not to mention the wonderful, beautiful example that she set for me. I miss movie nights, dark chocolate, cuddling her precious little girl and just loving all four of her sweet kids, talking about books, having her help me figure out my new cell phone... And we won't even get into her being, really, a second Mom and friend (in the true, grown-up sense of the word -- a true friend) to Brienna, and how much Brie and I both miss that.

So two of my dearest friends have now moved away and left me, and right now I'm feeling rather abandoned. Alyssa is off at Governor's Honors Program, and so one of my children has also left me (although only temporarily). This is preparing me for when she leaves for college next year, I suppose. I've decided I don't want her to go away to college. I don't think I can handle it! LOL

But she's having a great time and learning wonderful things and being exposed to all kinds of fun -- like salsa dancing! She actually tried salsa dancing! And she discovered that she really enjoys computer programming -- who would have thought?! So it's an amazing, good experience for her.

Another loss in the last few months...I was released as YW President in our ward. That has been absolutely devastating. Not only did I lose the twice weekly (and sometimes more often) companionship of my precious young women, but also the sisters who served with me, and a huge chunk of my heart. It really has felt like I lost part of my identity...of who I was. It's been two months and I still feel it deeply every Sunday and Tuesday. It still feels incredibly wrong.

And one of the biggest losses of the last few months...my Granddad passed away in March. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Whether it's looking at Alyssa and seeing her blue eyes which remind me SO much of his...or seeing the airplanes fly overhead at work or driving by the air museum...or seeing my Dad, who reminds me so much of Granddad...or talking to Grandma Gaye...or driving by the house on the corner they used to live in and seeing the flowers and trees he and Gaye planted and the bricks they laid around the flowerbeds...

So for me, the last several months have been characterized by loss. It hasn't been fun or easy. As I posted on Facebook the other day -- I just can't take one more person leaving me. I can't do it.

I had surgery a month ago today and the "3 to 5 day recovery" took closer to 3 weeks, with continuing residual discomfort at times. And it seems that the surgery didn't solve the underlying problem, so it feels like it was a huge waste of time, money, and pain.

I think sometimes the Lord strips us down and takes away and takes away and takes away and takes away, so that He can build us back up into something better. I hope that's what's happening. I don't feel it yet, but I hope that's what's in store. Because right now it just feels like there has been a lot of taking.

That isn't to say that there haven't been wonderful things in the last several months, because there have. I got to go to Time Out For Women in Nashville with my Mom and two of my sisters...both girls continue to do well in school and sports...I got to go to New York City with my Mom and all three of my sisters and we had SO much fun...my entire family got to be together for a few days and we went to the beach (even though my brother was only there for one day)...our precious niece Aliscea's adoption was finalized and she was sealed to Bryan and Melissa last weekend...they found out that they're going to get Aliscea's younger sister, hopefully this month, and so we're getting a new niece...two of our nephews are serving missions right now and are doing well...we got to participate in the events surrounding the rededication of the Atlanta Temple and that was wonderful.

But there are times when the losses lately seem to outweigh the gains and I wonder just how much taking away and tearing down Heavenly Father intends to do before I start to see the fruits of the rebuilding effort. Faith.....

Who Knew 16 Years Could Pass So Quickly?

Last year, A turned 16. Yes, you read that right. 16. Our first baby is now 16. I am proud of myself for managing not to cry about this milestone!

A little over 16 years ago, I was in a hospital room on the preterm labor unit. My husband had gone fishing with my Dad a few hours away...after all, I had been in the hospital for a few weeks and nothing was really going on...we didn't think anything would happen for a few weeks yet, and poor Mark had spent every night sleeping in my hospital room. And so we sent him off on a fishing trip with my Dad. How could we have known that things were about to change and our baby would be arriving much sooner than planned???

Fortunately, she was not born while he was gone. He made it back with plenty of time to spare. And then, in the early morning on a cool Anchorage morning in late August, our sweet A made her way into the world. Her arrival was not without drama, of course. (We should have known that was a harbinger of things to come...our beautiful, sweet drama girl!) She wasn't crying when she was born...she was bruised from head to toe and having difficulty breathing. Our bishop at the time happened to also be the head of the neonatal unit at the hospital and was on call at the time of her birth and a woman in our ward was her assigned nurse for the first day of her life and kept a close, close eye on her. They were two of several angels who watched over our sweet baby in those first difficult few hours and days. It was a traumatic event for all of us. The first time I held her she was hooked up to IVs and an oxygen mask and a feeding tube. She was so small (well, not compared some of the tiny preemies in the NICU) and I felt so helpless and scared as I held her. But somehow, I knew we would manage. The hardest part came a day or so later when we had our precious baby at the hospital when I was discharged and she wasn't able to come home yet. Never before had I had to do something so difficult (at that's saying something since I did natural childbirth, LOL).

She was a beautiful baby, even bruised and jaundiced and tiny. And she was all ours. She was and continues to be our "guinea pig"...she has suffered more than her fair share "first time parent-itis" mistakes on our part. Like the time her Daddy accidentally dumped her out of her car seat onto the floor...or the time I left the videocamera case out on the floor and she flipped over the top of it (I can't watch the video of that moment because it still scares me!)... She quickly became the center of our lives and before she was ever born she had completely captured my heart.

And last week, 16 years and 2 days after she entered this world in all her dramatic glory, I waited again as a bundle of nerves with baited breath. I wasn't waiting to hear her first cry this time, the cry that took so very long to come. This time, I was waiting for a message from her letting me know that she had made it safely to the school on her first solo drive. Just as it went against bit of my maternal instincts to leave her at the hospital as a tiny, fragile newborn, it went against every bit of my maternal instincts to let her get in the car by herself and drive away from me...alone. Don't get me wrong -- she is an excellent driver. But I can't say the same about the thousands of other people on the road! We have new rules in place...things like requiring her to send me a text message when she arrives at seminary safely, when she gets ready to leave cross country practice to drive home, when gets anywhere safely and is ready to come home.

We are long past the days when we had to carefully scrub up in the NICU washing area before entering to make sure she was protected from outside germs...and yet, as we send her out in to the world on her own, I wonder if we have done enough to protect her...enough to prepare her to protect herself from the influences and dangers of the world.

She is an intelligent, talented, beautiful, strong young woman who doesn't see how amazing, lovely, and incredible she really is. I wish she could see what we see in her...what most people see in her. But more than that, I find myself wishing that I could keep her enclosed in a little isolette and protect her from all of the dangers of the world...dangers that I fear she steps closer and closer to facing on her own every day. Have we done enough to protect her? I can only hope and pray that we have, and then try harder each day to build her up before she goes back out to face another day.

I am eternally grateful for this sweet young lady who first made me a Mother. I know I've made many mistakes along the path of motherhood, and there are many mistakes left to make. I feel bad that she gets to be on the receiving end of those mistakes. But most of all, I'm just grateful that SHE is the person I get to make those mistakes on. That she is mine, forever.

I love you, A. Don't be in too much of a hurry to grow up and leave me.

We Made It!

Mark and the girls are now home...we all survived the separation. I think they were as happy to be home as I was to get them home. I'm so grateful they had the opportunity to go spend a good amount of time with Mark's family and I know they had fun. A also had the opportunity to go on an official tour of BYU and she enjoyed that. It's hard to believe that college isn't that far off for her.

And now they're back and life has resumed its craziness. Mark went back to work the day after coming home, A started cross country practice, and B starts soccer on Saturday. No rest for the weary (travelers) but I think they're all happy to be getting back to their normal schedules/lives.

Interesting timing on one thing...just a few nights before they came home, I expressed gratitude in my prayers that nothing had gone wrong with the house while they were gone. Oops -- spoke too soon! The next day as I pulled out of the garage to go to church I noticed a huge, ugly water spot on the wall/ceiling of the garage. Not good. Dad, Thomas, and Bryan came over to look at it and found that the problem was something simple that had been going on for quite some time, and they were able to temporarily fix it until Mark could get home to do the permanent repair. Mark will have to replace part of the wall/ceiling (inside the garage and our laundry room) but that is within his handyman skill set so it will be fine. At first I was a little put out -- after all, hadn't I just expressed gratitude that nothing had gone wrong with the house while Mark was gone? And then it was pointed out to me that the problem had likely started long before Mark left and that the timing was actually good, because he should have time to do the repair work before school starts...had the problem not been discovered until after school started, it would have been harder for him to find a good chunk of time to work on it because of his work/coaching schedule. So it was still a blessing.

During the last week of their trip I was able to fly up to Massachusetts to help my sister and her husband and daughter move down here (YEA!). It was a very rough flight (not fun) but I made it safely. We had fun in Boston even though it was raining lightly and the start of our day in Boston was delayed by me leaving my wedding ring at the hotel (don't worry -- it was recovered -- another prayer answered!)...I loved Quincy Market and Faneuil Hall...the waterfront was beautiful...the Mother's Walk through the downtown area was absolutely lovely...and the Holocaust Memorial was incredibly touching. I hope to go back and spend more time exploring the city. We made the drive down here in two days -- no sightseeing along the way. I was struck by how beautiful North Carolina was. Mark had told me that numerous times before, but having seen it for myself, I can now say he was right! It was so pretty. Maybe next summer we'll do a vacation where we travel up and then back down the east coast and do a lot of sightseeing. Mark has wanted to do that for a while...and now I want to do it, too. We're so grateful to have Melissa, Bryan, and "Adorable" (not her real name, but very fitting) living down here with us now!!

Wow...a long post... My final news. I had a medical procedure done this morning to try to get answers about my longstanding stomach problems. I have had this procedure twice before but it never turned anything up. This time it did and I am so grateful. I have an ulcer, hiatal hernia, gastritis (already knew about that) and apparently some inflammation of the upper small intestine. I know it sounds strange to be grateful for that, but I am -- because I feel like we're finally getting some answers. Maybe we've finally taken a major step down the road to resolving these problems. I am very excited (and still quite groggy from the anesthesia).

Things I am Not Good At....

With Mark and the girls being gone right now, I'm having to take care of everything at the house by myself. I have discovered a few things I'm not good at...

1. Killing bugs of any kind. Yeah, you knew that already. In the first couple of days they were gone, I had to kill four bugs. Yuck! The bugs need to stay away.

2. Cutting watermelons and cantaloupes. I can't cut straight at all...the pieces come out in funny shapes and I made quite the mess.

3. Getting up early to deal with the dogs. Why do the dogs insist on getting up around 6 am, if not earlier? Especially on days I don't have to get up early?

4. Being alone. That's the worst part. I'm definitely not good at being alone.

1 week down...2 to go.

The Week in Review....

It's been an event filled week! We started off by spending Memorial Day weekend at the beach with some wonderful friends. We spent Saturday morning at the beach and then left the men at home while the ladies and kids went to the outlets for some shopping. We found some amazing deals! Gotta love outlet shopping! After that, we had a cookout together and just enjoyed each other's company. We went to the beach again Sunday morning and then did a little sightseeing and shopping Sunday afternoon, followed by dinner at a wonderful Italian restaurant where I had the best pasta primavera I've ever eaten. It was amazing! Then Monday morning we went back to the beach for a couple of hours before heading home. It was a fabulous weekend -- so relaxing, and so much fun. I'm already looking into plans to go back for at least a day trip before the end of summer...if not another weekend!

Yesterday was my ballet recital. Yes, I know -- you didn't know about it. That was intentional because I really didn't want anyone there -- my anxiety level would have been through the roof! Dress rehearsal couldn't have gone any better Friday night...unfortunately, I didn't do as well for the show yesterday (when my parents and Alyssa were there -- I blame them -- I knew they were there and it made me nervous! LOL). But it still went pretty well. To be completely honest, I'm pretty proud of myself for working towards a dream I've had since childhood! I will continue to take classes...although I'm not sure I want to perform in another recital!!

Alyssa is now enrolled in an online driver's training course, which means she is one step closer to getting her driver's license.

Brie is going to Mark's basketball camp this week...that should be interesting since she's never played basketball before! But she's excited about it. I hope she has a good time!

Random Thoughts....

It's time for another edition of random thoughts...and, in no particular order:

1. I went to a leadership class last week where I learned that I am now an ENFJ (I used to be ESFJ), that my preferred conflict resolution style is compromise (I am a people pleaser), and that my FIRO-B scores are 9/9 for inclusion, 9/4 for control, and 9/9 for affection. Yeah, tell me something I don't know! LOL I really did enjoy the class -- I learned a lot about myself and why I do some of the things I do. It's always good to develop new insights about yourself.

2. A woman who is terrified of elevators can convince three seemingly gruff, tough men (one bodybuilder and active duty member of the military, one marathon runner and retired member of the miitary, and one just plain big guy) to go up and down 16 flights of stairs repeatedly over the course of a 2 1/2 day class. And then those men will surprise her by not only offering to go up and down the stairs with her so she doesn't have to ride the elevator and doesn't have to take the stairs alone, but will also willingly offer their arms for her to dig her fingernails into during the elevator ride. Chivalry is not dead.

3. I have a hard time sitting still through anything and everything.

4. The windows in the chapel let in enough sunlight to be able to perform a piano solo when the electricity is off. Darn!

5. I cannot wait to go to the beach this weekend. I so desperately need some beach time. There is something so incredibly relaxing about sitting on the beach, listening to and watching the waves, and just being there in the moment. It recharges me. And being surrounded by friends will be fun, too!

6. Tomorrow is the last day of school. My baby is graduating from 5th grade. I am SO not ok with this. Sixth great definitely needs to be part of elementary school.

And So it Goes...

My last post was my opportunity to reminisce about Brie as she nears a milestone in her life. Now I get to reminisce about Alyssa...

It's so hard to believe that she is done with her sophomore year in high school. What an amazingly successful year she has had! Straight As (actually, straight 100s!) in two AP classes, one gifted class, three honors classes, Spanish 3, and marketing...lettering in two sports...being nominated for a prestigious summer gifted program in four subjects...winning her regional DECA competion, then placing in the state competition, and the competing in the international competition...and just recently being selected for our city chamber of commerce's Youth Leadership Program and for a wonderful summer program for students who want to teach math or science in the future (only 25 students from the entire state are selected!). But what has really filled us with joy this year is her desire to do her best and to really work hard to achieve her goals. She has far outshone any of my high school accomplishments (which I used to think were numerous, LOL). And through all of this, she attended early morning seminary without complaint.

Her teachers have repeatedly expressed to us what a joy she is to work with and how impressed they are with her work ethic, her attitude, and her dedication. She truly is a remarkable young woman.

In the midst of her preparations for AP exams this year, she was getting a bit frustrated, stressed, and down on herself. I ordered her a necklace I found online, with a little silver tag that says "I can do hard things." I wanted to remind her not only CAN she do hard things, but that she can do them well and that she should do them -- that she should choose to do them.

One of the hardest things I ever did was leave her, as a tiny, precious little baby, in the hospital NICU after I was discharged. No new mother wants to leave her baby behind...and I'm so grateful it was only for a few days. But it was so very hard. It was hard to give birth to her only to have her rushed out of the room and away from me, not to see her for hours and hours and hours. (I won't even go into the fact that natural childbirth was *really* hard, LOL.) It was hard to go watch her go through some interesting health scares as a baby...chronic ear infections and a few ear surgeries as a toddler and child...and it has been hard to leave behind each phase of life (infancy, the toddler years, childhood....) and move with her into the next phase of life.

I feel sorry for her at times because she's stuck with rookie parents. She is the guinea pig. We've never had a teenager before and the road has had its share of bumps and potholes, along with rainbows and flowers. But I can honestly say that there isn't a teenager on the face of the earth that I would rather go on this journey with. She is an example to me of strength and determination. The poor girl inherited some of my perfectionist tendencies and it is hard to try to convince her that it's ok to let go a little bit...not that I've mastered that lesson yet.

It will be hard to let her get behind the wheel of a car by herself in a few months...and it will be hard to have her attend a different high school than the one her Daddy teaches at. It will be hard to let her go on her first date...and, when the time comes, I know it will be so very hard to send her off to college. I imagine I'll feel a bit like I did that early August morning almost 16 years ago when she was rushed out of the delivery room and away from me...like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. So very hard. But this is what parenting is about -- about letting go a little more each step of the way.

The fact that I can do hard things doesn't mean I have to like doing them. And letting her grow up is something I don't really like doing.

I think she has taught me, more than I have taught her, that we can do hard things. And that the hard things are worth doing.